


The Chains That Pull Me Down

by PrinceForestFox



Series: Rust and Stardust [1]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hearing Voices, M/M, Nightmares, Suicidal Thoughts, They have cats and you can tell who named who, ptsd taako, suicidal taako
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 08:30:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15602409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrinceForestFox/pseuds/PrinceForestFox
Summary: Taako's been struggling since the day of Story and Song and Kravitz wished he knew how he could help.





	The Chains That Pull Me Down

**Author's Note:**

> The title is based off the song All the Lights in the Sky by Area 11. The lyrics fit too painfully well with the plot for this fic. I hope you enjoy!

Taako’s body seized up as he launched the top half of his body forward with a shriek. Thrown from the grips of consciousness, his body was drenched in sweat. His heart pounded in his chest. He stared into darkness, eyes wide as he panted to catch his breath. His ears rang loudly as his mind raced, body tense and on edge. A cool hand found its way to his back, snapping him out of shock with a start. His breath hitched at the sudden touch. 

“I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

The voice was disquieting, calm. It cut through the thousands of thoughts racing in his mind and brought him a small sense of comfort.

_It was just a dream._

He took in another long, shaky breath; his lungs were yearning for a consistent flow as he struggled to find his usual rhythm. His chest burned. His throat was painfully dry as he attempted to take another deep breath, chest fighting back in retaliation as his throat caught and caused him to cough.

A gentle hand stroked his back fondly, patiently waiting for him to calm down. The room filled with wet-sounding inhales and quiet whimpers. He hated this, feeling so hopeless, alone, scared - it was unbearable. Every time he closed his eyes, his past confronted him; the past he’d forgotten, the past taken from him and the emotional damaged it’d caused.

He remembered now.

He remembered the crushing feeling of watching the light leave his friend’s - _his family's_ \- eyes. Remembered what it’d been like to hold their hand as the faint pulse slowly faded, the rise and fall of their chests faltering to a stop. He remembered seeing their faces left hardly recognisable after being mauled, their bodies pierced by sharp rock and the sound of their voices as they sputtered a cry for help, thick blood filling their lungs and falling from their mouths. He remembered the nights spent laying awake in his best friend’s empty beds, the scent still lingering and causing his chest to tighten. Despite his protesting, he felt tears dripping from the corners of his eyes.

He remembered dying. Taako could feel his heart racing now as it did then, moments before the end, as he tried in vain to call for help. He could feel the ground opening up, fire burning his skin. He remembered being eaten, crushed, vapourised, left behind, starved. He remembered the fear as he lost consciousness, alone in anguish as his vision blurred to black.

There was something irrecoverably hopeless about knowing each plane would be destroyed at the end of each year on the Starblaster. A dark trepidation surrounded each frantic search for the Light of Creation. There was a terror that only came when they saw the colour bleed from this plane as the Hunger advanced on them, and in knowing that the six people surrounding him were the only ones he had. Never knowing if it would end was more than enough to break a person.

And for a decade, those feelings were snatched away from him. He’d been left an empty shell of who he’d once been - but at least then he was someone capable of sleeping, eating, thinking like a normal person. Not like now. When the memory of what he'd been through returned full force, Taako was left behind to pick up the scattered remains of himself. Admittedly, he hadn't done a great job of it. Feelings of fear and loss controlled his every moment, haunting every step he took forward in life. 

Everyone knew his story now; they knew of his heroics and how he fought to save this world. They knew how he risked his life countless times through a century to find a way to defeat The Hunger, eventually coming through to save the world. Everyone in all of existence knew intimate facts about his life that he’d never have shared, even ones he wished even he hadn’t remembered. 

His breath slowly returned to its regular speed, face flush as he drew his legs tightly to his chest, arms wrapping around them in a desperate scramble for stability. It had crossed his mind a number of times, intricate considerations of how he could finally let go- right down to the letter he’d leave, if he’d even leave one at all. A part of him longed desperately to relive the torturous experience of death, morbidly curious of the comfort he’d find knowing it would be the last pain he’d have to feel. With Death himself stroking his back, his mind flooded with familiar thoughts, tormenting voices nagging him on to do it. Condescending tones echoed in his mind over how fear held him hostage, a deathly grip that left him just enough air to live in this hell. He wanted to escape, to put a silence to the cacophony of voices cheering on his suffering. He’d lost his mind to the battle they fought in this world, and at times it seemed his body was ready to follow suit.

With a shaky inhale, he held his breath until his chest burned nearly unbearable, the pain bringing him some comfort in the form of feeling something real. He sat in a ball of self-loathing, watching from the sidelines as his mind became even more lost in a cavern of darkness, searching for any sign of hope for reprieve. He continued to repress his yearning for the end, despite the simplicity of what could be the end- he’d earned some fucking happiness and was far too stubborn to give in so easily. Then, of course, there was his family. He'd forgotten her once, he wasn't about to leave her again. He only recently got the full scope of his life and memories back, he wasn't willing to let go of that so easily.

“I hate this.” He spoke, voice nearly audible, strain in his throat present. “I’m such a broken piece of shit, why do you put up with this.” 

“I love you, Taako.” Kravitz reassured, as if it were that simple. His voice wavered with concern, though he tried his best to hide it, taking a moment before choosing to comment. “You’ve been getting less sleep than usual.” 

“Don’t expect it to get any better, homie- Taako’s real fucked up.” His tone suggested it was a joke, but Kravitz knew better. “This is just life now, one big fuckin’ shitshow where everyone thinks my personal shit is a conversation starter and reason to approach me.” His tone was dry now, helpless and tired. 

“I understand what you went through was incredibly difficult, Taako, but what you did, saving the universe, it was phenomenal - and the people here are grateful and want it to be known.” 

“You don’t understand.” He spat. “No one understands, Krav. Sure you know the story, but you have no idea what it felt like - no idea what it’s like to have a constant reminder of the bullshit you endured thrown in your face every time you leave the house.” His nose made a wet sound as he took a deep breath, a shaky exhale following suit. 

“I can’t even begin to imagine how painful that must be.” Kravitz sighed, wrapping an arm around the smaller man and pulling him against his chest. “I just wish there was something I could do. It’s hard watching someone I love go through so much pain.” 

Taako let out a humourless laugh, allowing himself to slowly relax into the larger man that comforted him. He let his eyes slip shut again, focusing instead on easing the burning of his lungs. His exhaustion weighed heavy on his shoulders, a palpable tension.

“It’s almost impossible for me to sleep at this point, Krav…” His voice was weak, the sound of defeat and exhaustion mixing into a rough strained tone. “Every time I close my eyes... I’m sent back there. Sleep used to be a good escape, a way out of this shit. But now even that isn’t safe for me anymore. What am I supposed to do?”

Kravitz had never heard the elf so miserable. He sat in silence, lost for words of what he could say, unsure if there was anything he really could say that would help. At this point he’d tried everything, but a part of him knew that him alone could never understand what Taako had gone through, not even with the details of the mission so clearly implanted in his mind on the day of Story and Song. 

Amongst the sounds of sniffling and uneven breaths, an idea rang sout in Kravitz’s mind as clear as a bell. He considered for a moment before speaking. His thumb stroked over one of Taako’s hands gently with a soothing cool touch, letting out a gentle hum and watching as the small elf’s ears made small adjustments to hear him more closely. 

“Babe, have you maybe considered talking to one of your shipmates?” He paused, as if to test the waters before continuing. “You’re right, I don’t know how it feels, and I can never begin to understand what that must have been like for you. Although, it’s possible, it might be helpful if you talked to someone who does understand.” 

Taako sat silently, unresponsive for a few moments. Kravitz spent this time wondering if he’d even be met with a response at all. 

“I don’t know Krav, I don’t think anyone wants to listen to my whining. Quite frankly, I think everyone else has enough of their own fucking problems.” His tone remained flat and lacked emotion, the ability to even try and sound enthused lost not long after the day of Story and Song. 

“I really do think it’d be good for you, Taako.” He encouraged, only to be met with a soft hum.

This was Taako’s usual way of defusing a conversation, a clear-cut sign that it was time to drop whatever it was they were talking about. He gave in with a sigh, brushing back loose bangs that fell front of the elf’s flush dampened face as he leaned over to kiss his forehead. Cool lips on hot skin sent chills up Taako’s spine, causing him to shiver before leaning ever so gently back into the touch. 

With a small scuff of the floor, the door made an abrupt creek, the sound of small thumps trailing closer to the bed in the dark. The sound was almost unmistakable. A gentle rumble came from the darkness as the bed dipped, followed by the sounds of soft footsteps approaching them. Kravitz reached a hand out, gently offering a cold finger to the soft cat that quickly butted his head against it before making head way into Taako’s lap. The small cat pushed under his arms, forcing him to slightly untangle himself from his legs to make room for the new company. Its purr thundered loudly as it curled, nails digging gently into his skin in affection, causing the elf to wince momentarily. 

“It seems Pip could sense your distress as well.” He muttered softly, one arm now secured softly around Taako as the other gently pet the cat in his lap. “Please… At least consider my suggestion, Taako. Those people are your family, they’ll understand.” 

Kravitz left the conversation there, feeling he’d said enough and knowing he probably wouldn’t get much more out of Taako that evening. He held his boyfriend close in his arms, choosing instead to enjoy the silence of the night, filled only with the gentle purring of their cat. They sat there silently for what felt like hours, Taako’s expression left blank as he took in every delicate touch and sign of happiness he could grasp. They stayed silent throughout the night and into the early hours of the morning. 

Eventually Kravitz stood, placing a soft kiss to his boyfriend’s rough, chapped lips, growing tiresome of watching the elf struggle to keep himself awake as his eyes battled to lay rest. He strode across the room and out into the hall towards the kitchen, fetching a glass and one of the many Sleep Soundly ™ potions sitting in their cabinet. They’d been enchanted on request for Kravitz, in the hopes of giving Taako some peace of mind. Taako refused to avoid nightmares altogether, but some nights were hard enough that Taako accepted the aid of the potions. 

Slipping back into the room he raised the glass to Taako’s mouth, coaxing the smaller man to take a sip. He always expected a bit of rebellion, but this time round it seemed he was far too gone to put up a fight, simple avoiding eye contact as he swallowed the liquid quickly. 

Kravitz helped Taako lay back down, head resting gently on three of his favourite pillows as a gentle cold hand soothed his hair back, tenderly petting him. It didn’t take long before his breathing slowed and Kravitz could tell he’d fallen back to sleep, Pip still curled into a ball on his lap. Smiling softly to himself, he leaned forward to kiss the elf’s forehead before getting up to leave the room.

Kravitz moved to the living room, closing the door with a soft click behind him. He took a seat on the sofa beside their other cat, who remained soundly asleep on the cushion, as usual. Kravitz reached out to pet it delicately, earning a small surprised chirp.

“You know, Taako could really use you in there too, Justin.” 

With a sigh he sat back on the couch, hand shuffling around in his pocket before pulling out his stone of farspeech. His thumb hovered over the contacts, glancing at the frequency of each and every IPRE member, his plan weighing heavy on his mind. A part of him was wary, anxious that Taako would be rather upset he’d gone ahead without his permission - but on the other hand, there was nothing he wanted more than to see Taako improve, even on the smallest of scales. 

He hummed, eyes straining as he stared at the names intently with careful consideration. He knew Lucretia was out of the question, but after that, he wasn’t really sure where to start. He gave a sigh in frustration, looking up at the walls lined with photos in their living room. It was no surprise the photos were eye catching, with the number of red robes that filled them, but as Kravitz stared off in blank thought, he found his eyes repeatedly drawn to one picture in particular.

The photo that hung front and center was from the day they’d returned from Rockport, after retrieving the Oculus. Taako smiled brighter than Kravitz had ever seen himself. A large toothy grin as he flipped off the camera and leaned against the much taller man who stood beside him, a strong arm slung tightly around Taako’s shoulders. 

Kravitz blinked for a few moments before turning his attention back to his stone, thumb quickly scrolling down through his frequencies before lifting it up to his ear, waiting for a response. 

“Hello? Excuse me, I’m sorry this isn’t exactly calling hours but - Magnus, if you’re there, I really need to talk to you. It’s about Taako.”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is being created with love and devotion by @rakkel and I. I really hope you enjoy and look forward to the future parts.
> 
> Feel free to hit me up!  
> Tumblr/twitter @princeforestfox
> 
> Also check out rakkel who will be writing the next part in the series!  
> @ therakkel on Twitter  
> @ drowninginships on tumblr


End file.
